Amsterdam trip, part 3. The confessions of a confused heretic.

*Please note that when I say 'wet myself', I mean it figuratively. I have not wetted myself since I was 16.


So one of the 'must-see' attractions was the Amsterdam Dungeons.

I'm going to do a little copy and pasting now ...
'The Amsterdam Dungeon brings to life 500 years of dark history in 11 shows with 7 actors in 1 terrifying experience! Can you survive the horrific Plague during the 80 minute tour, or will you be discovering the dark secrets of the famous painter Rembrandt? Make sure you don’t get tortured by the executioner Peter Titelmann from the Spanish Inquisition or get lost in the mirror labyrinth! There is also the roller coaster for the really brave visitors!'


So thats fun, we entered, we had to take an embarassing photo where me and my brother got to pretend to execute our parents. And on 'one, two, three, SCREAM....'.
'aah...' whined one of us reluctantly.

We all queued, it was dark, cramped and none of us knew what to expect. There were heavy clanking, ghostly music and the atmosphere that we all help contribute to was nervous, borderline terrified.

A woman dressed up as a corpse maid drifted out from behind the curtains, her movements were slow, rigid and zombie-like. Suddenly she dived forward against the chains making loud rattling noise and making all of us wet our pants.
Obviously we pretended we weren't scared, rolling our eyes and laughing at others. Really, we were all laughing at our stupidity and how gullible we were.

She slithered through the queue, sniffing and making faces at us, stared at us until we could no longer keep our amusement in. We were led to the lifts and into the first 'show'.

We all sat in rows on what seemed similar to church pews and scrutinized the, um, wooden chair with clasps, in worry.

 Make sure you don’t get tortured by the executioner Peter Titelmann from the Spanish Inquisition

A man dressed in black robes appeared from the back, it was all so dark and when I first noticed him I wetted myself again. He held and swung a metal chain with a metal ball in the end, gave us a quick introduction about how if you don't believe in God and something about faith and confessions.
He asked for a volunteer.

I tried.

I really did.

But not hard enough.

I tried to avoid eye contact without being too obvious, but we were sitting in the front row.

'You!'

Damn, I should have known.

'Me?' Of course it was me. Nervous laughter. I always have lots of nervous laughs. Especially in drama.

I went sat in that even more daunting now - chair, had all these metal clasps hold me by the torso and hands to the chair.

He showed me a few, torture instruments and asked me if I would like to be tortured with them.
Of course not.

'Are you ready to confess?'

'Yes'

Good, do you confess?'

'Yes' Which I realise now I wasn't supposed to do. Here I was, supposedly in the Spanish Inquisition times, trialed against heresy. And I confessed at once.
I didn't really get it, if I'm honest.

'Well I find people who confess too quickly are usually lying about something.'

Boy was I really confused now.

'Confess you sins!'

'Um...'

'You have sinned so you must confess them.'

Now I'm really struggling.

So he made it easier for me and got a tongue remover metal thing out. (Bit of research tells me its a 'tongue tearer'. So jolly.)

'Stick out your tongue!'

So I do.

'Stick it out a bit more.'

'My tongue's really short' I don't think he heard me, I was whining and really panicking. My family laughed.('Awesome')

So I stuck my tongue out a bit more.

Obviously very skilled in acting tearing tongues out of people, he 'teared my tongue out'.

(Now here I got uber confused, I thought it was supposed to puncture a hole)

'How did that sound like?'

'Squelch?' I realise a little later that I couldn't talk.

'Now have you ever eaten tongue before?' Now I was starting to find him really menacing.

'Cow tongue." and duck tongue actually.

'What about a human tongue?'

'no'

He 'stuffed the tongue inside my mouth'

'How does that taste like?'

'Really nice.' nervous laugh.

'You don't have a tongue so how can you taste it you STUPID GIRL!'



Fantabaloosy Dozy.